I believe that the number one reason people are unhappy in life is because they refuse to believe that when they were kids their parents either didn’t love them, or loved them in a way that was so deeply tweaked it amounts to the same thing.
It’s my belief that the reason people refuse to accept the truth that when they were kids their parents treated them awfully is grounded in the fact that as very young children they instinctively grasped how terribly vulnerable their parents not loving them made them. We spend the first years of our lives utterly dependent upon our parents for everything we need. If they don’t choose to give us what we need, we die. I think that’s something we understand pretty soon into the game.
And so children with crummy parents do virtually the only thing they can do, which is to immediately, absolutely and without question convince themselves that, despite all evidence to the contrary, their parents really are good people who really do love them.
Loving Parents = Survival.
Unloving Parents = Death.
Not exactly what you’d call a choice.
As surely as one day follows the next, children who are forced to build their lives upon a truth they can’t possibly face turn into adults whose lives are built upon a truth they can’t possibly face. And so as adults people with unhappy childhoods continue to suffer: they’re angry; they’re forever imagining themselves victims; they’re easily upset; their relationships don’t work; they don’t know who they are. They don’t know who they are because the core truth of who they are was lost in the lie they had to tell themselves in order to survive life with their unloving parents.
Adults who are lost and unhappy in life have a simple, terrible choice: either accept the fact that their parents didn’t love them—which is to say utterly and completely reject their parents—or continue to be lost and unhappy. They either toss their parents off their shoulders, or they keeping sinking with their parents on their back. That’s it. Those are the choices of someone raised in a dysfunctional family.
And people always choose sinking with their parents on their back. And they do so for a perfectly understandable reason: It’s still in their mind—it’s still in their heart; it still defines the psychological paradigm of the only life they’ve ever known—that rejecting their parents means they die.
They may be drowning, but at least they’re alive.
If you’re unhappy in life—if no matter what you do, say, think, or believe, you’re still dogged by this feeling that something fundamental just isn’t right with you or your life—you might want to give some thought to the idea that you have Genuinely Lousy parents. That maybe it’s not you. That maybe it’s them. That maybe it’s always been them.
That maybe the reason you’re so burdened is that you’re carrying around weight that doesn’t belong to you.
Have the thought that your parents were awful, that they were in no way emotionally or psychologically prepared to have children.
Go ahead. Reject your parents.
It won’t kill you.
As the one and only Jesus put it, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
(The follow-up to this post is My Point: Reject EVERYTHING So God Can Arrive.)
Here’s something else to add: That by rejecting the failings of your earthly father, you no longer have to reconcile the reality of “bad earthly dad” with “good Heavenly Dad”! It’s hard for people to accept the father-love of God when you think of father-love as distance or cruelty or detached from your own needs. Once you realize that true father-love (or even mother-love) has nothing to do with what you experienced in your childhood, you can achieve a much greater intimacy with God.
Yeah, that’s so perfectly true. And very well said. That’s it, exactly. It’s so … weird, basically, how often people have so CLEARY based their conception and experiences with God on whatever experience they had with their parents. You’ve said it just right.
I understand where you’re coming from on this, but still I have trouble accepting any type of rejection of parents when God plainly said “Honor your father and mother that your days may be long upon the earth’. Can you continue to honor your father and mother after rejecting them?? Or do you mean to reject their actions….hating the sin, but not the sinner?
I’ve experienced recently how God is the source of love and joy, not the earthly relationships I tend to rely on for my happiness. Maybe there’s a better way to help those who are suffering from dysfunctional family life with bad childhood memories. I’m sure that’s what you want to do, but your expressing it in this way makes me uncomfortable as a Christian trying to live a Spirit-filled and godly life.
Wow. All this time I thought I was a narcissistic ass. And it’s not my fault! It’s not my fault! (Go with that..) It’s not my fault!
It’s Mac’s fault.
It’s so liberating to know I don’t have to be responsible for my behavior or thoughts any more.
Vicki: Of course it’s a matter that takes considerable spiritual, intellectual, and emotional discernment. The bottom line, I think, is to be sure to honor your parents, right up to the point where “honoring” them means dishonoring yourself. If you dishonor yourself, you dishonor God. So we all have to find where that line is, and be sure to walk it.
Vicki: It’s about rethinking what “honoring” means. Honor doesn’t always mean acceptance or obedience. Take, for example, if someone has a parent who is an atheist and an alcoholic. How, then, are they to be honored?
Part of “honoring” my parents, for me, is becoming as pure and holy a person as I can, even when at times that is at odds with the way I was raised and what my parents would request of me. I find it interesting that the commandment says “Honor thy father and mother that it may go well with thee.” If it’s not going well with thee, time to reevaluate.
I think we can reject the way in which our parents raised us and reevaluate if they were giving us true love or selfish love without dishonoring them. It’s like if a friend offers you a dish you don’t like. You can say, “no, thanks” without rejecting your friend outright. You can still love the things they offer you that are good and honor the friendship. Grown-up love means loving your way around the flaws and rejecting the sin.
(Sorry for cluttering your blog, John, this one just hits a sore spot!)
I believe that the number two reason people are so unhappy in life is they fail to accept that their parents loved them deeply and made a lot of sacrifices for the sake of their children out of love. Sure, they made mistakes - haven’t we all - but my challenge to you, whoever is reading this, is to say thank you to your parents before it is too late. Tell them you love them and really appreciate all the times they’ve gone without, just so that you can have a nice Christmas present or a holiday. Accept them! Love them!
Andy: Very nice. That’s right: It’s just as important for us to acknowledge the good our parents have done us as it is to properly processs the … less good.
Lindsey: I’m very grateful to you for “cluttering” my blog with your thoughtful, kind, God-centered comments. Clutter away here, please.
John, I agree to a point . . . however, there is another side! Three uncles sexually violated me….biological father deserted me and emotionally empty step-dad diminshed me with words like ’stupid-never amount -to-anything’ predictions! Mother was seldom there…dressmaking for the rich ladies in the city. In my young head, men were mean! Women were indiffferent! Predictable conditions for raising a dysfunctional child, wouldn’t you say?
When I turned 45 my mother told me how her grandfather had raped her many times, and beat and sodomized his son(my grandfather), into an angry wimp. When Grandpa’s sons (my uncles) were born, he did to them what his father had done to him, and they in turn did it to me.
When I heard that story about those abusive uncles…..my heart broke with compassion for them. They had been acting out of their own faulty training/example when they tore me apart. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction. Somewhere in the generational line-up, there has to be someone with forgivenenss in their heart. Otherwise, why did Jesus die? I am so totally healed of the painful memories. They are still there, but there is no malice any more. And when I met my step-father’s people in the country from which he came, I totally understood why he was like he was…. forgiveness came easier…he was like he was, because that is how his parent’s acted towards him. For sixty years he rejected them. He went back only after they had died. He hadn’t learned or taken the time to understand the ‘why’s of their verbal mean-ness towards him and his siblings.
That is my heart towards dysfunctional parents…they suffer from generational dysfunction! They need healing too…and forgiveness is the balm of peace they need. Blessings!
Hey John, Thanks. I think so many go through so life thinking or believing that neglectful or abusive parents are loving and caring. Greta, I think is onto step 2 or 6 with forgiveness and yes, absolutely, I agree with restoration. However, I think your post is directed toward those who are still be in denial and as such may be passing the pain onto others.
Yes, Ric, thank you: That is what I’m saying. I actually don’t think it’s possible to “forgive” anyone until you’ve utterly grasped the nature of their offense. I don’t find in any way incompatible thoroughly understanding (which is a term I prefer to “forgiving” ) what and why our parents did whatever they did, and refusing to accept their dysfunction as your own. I love my father, for instance. I’ve honored him. I’ve thanked him. If there’s anything in this world the man knows, it’s that I love and respect him. But at the same time, privately, in my own heart, I’ve made sure to ensure that what’s mine is mine, and what’s his is his.
I grew up with alcoholic parents, 5 siblings. I am a middle child. I was not a favorite. I accepted that they did not love me the way I wanted or needed and I let them go; I did not quit loving them, but I knew that it was unhealthy for me to continue any kind of close association with them. I loved them for as long as they lived. Since becoming a Christian, I have also forgiven them. Forgiveness is possible with Jesus. I think one doesn’t necessarily have to understand the background, the “whys and hows”, in order to forgive someone. Greta, I’m glad you understand and forgive your parents. And Lindsey, I agree, we have to convey that love and joy of God to others as much as we can. Thanks John, this seems to be a touchy subject with a lot of people.
Yeah–and of course I knew it would be a touchy subject for a lot of people. I almost didn’t publish this piece. But then I wanted to, in case it was something that someone who’s unhappy might benefit from. So many people are just stuck in that whole, “My mom and dad were GREAT!” thing, when that isn’t the case at all.
I think Greta got it right - she realized that those who treated her badly themselves were treated the same and so on and so on back to Adam and Eve.
My sister and I came from a dysfunctional background (original parents divorced, then both parents had divorces again). We both have “baggage” that is attendant to these situations. The difference between us now, (I’m 37/She’s 42) is that I came to know Jesus Christ when I was 21. He gave me new life and showed me how to live a life of joy and victory (not that I have always followed His leading and honestly it’s often a tough slog to do what he asks) and the older I get the more the baggage falls away and the character of Christ takes its place.
My sister is bitter about her childhood and blames the travail of her adult life on it. I’ve tried to get through to her that I agree but the only solution is to forgive and move on. I’ve told her what Jesus has done for me and that He’ll do the same for her, but she’s not interested so nothing changes in her life.
I also have 4 step brother and sisters; all with similar backgrounds to me and my sister. Everyone of them is broken in some way: Divorces, children out of wedlock, emotional problems, etc. To paint a clearer background, we came from an upper middle class family and most have a college degree. Looking back to the time right before I accepted Christ, any observer would have thought I would have been the least likely to succeed…and I would have agreed. But now, 16 years later, after having been a Christian all those years, I’m the only one that (at least from the outside) has a life that appears whole; Married 8 years with two kids teaching Sunday school at Church. The difference between me and them is Jesus. Strongholds have been broken in my life that remain in there’s.
John- I thought you’re post was going to end with how only Christ can redeem the carnage done in child hood and was considering sending this to my sister, but when I came to the end and found no such appeal, I thought this is the last thing my sister needs to read. Perhaps there are others who are perplexed at the decisions that they repeatedly make and can see that there is correlation between their childhood and who they are now, but I don’t that knowledge will be of any benefit unless they come to put it behind them…hopefully with the help of the Lord.
John,
Thanks for another great post. But I came upon this truth while reading (almost reluctant to plug this again but it was really helpful and you and Steve Arterburn deserve it) MM4M.
What concerns me most these days comes from the other end of the spectrum - why did I want children? Am I being the parent to them God wants me to be?
Someday, will my children NEED to reject me - or just the memories of when I failed them?
-Sam
Ross: I’m not sure why you felt this piece wouldn’t be good for your sister; it seems to me it would be. Anyway, I didn’t structure this dynamic in such a way as to make it dependent upon giving oneself to Christ because I don’t think succesfully moving past your parents is dependent upon Christ. This is strictly PSYCHOLOGICAL work; it can happen without reference to any religion at all. Christianity can HELP one in this process, for sure: No one believes that more than I. But it’s not NECCESSARY to the process. I think we’re too often too quick to believe that only Christ can do for us what, in the end, we must each do for ourselves. You don’t have to be a Christian to release yourself of the generations of pain inherited from your parents. It’s EXCELLENT to have a religious faith to aide you in that very difficult process, but it’s hardly necessary.
John- I agree with you that moving past your parents is not dependent upon giving yourself to Christ. I also agree that it is psychological work. I should have mentioned that sis has gone the therapist route as well and just the last year stopped taking anti-depressants because of weight gain. I guess the way I look at it is if either route, secular or Christian, has the ability to change one for the better, (although personally I have yet to know someone who has gone the psychologist route and come out the better for it, but that’s just my anecdotal experience and I’m sure others have had different) for me, I would hope for conversion as it offers life eternal as well as present betterment. The best situation would be conversion followed by therapy with a Christian psychologist such as your buddy Arterburn.
Would you not agree that probably most Psychologists/Psychiatrists hold to a framework that is incompatible with the Biblical view of man - mainly that he is sinful from birth and that all his problems are due to this fact as well as the fact that everybody that has been in his life from birth are sinful.
Just remembered something. A year and half before my conversion, I myself was seeing a therapist. I needed help as my life was a wreck. I accepted Christ by myself in my room via a tract given to me. I knew something changed within me, so much so that I told the therapist during the next session that I didn’t need to see her anymore although many of the things that plauged me continued to. I had a hope and something in me (Holy Spirit) that I didn’t have previously. Anyway, the therapist never provided any effective help…Xanax included. I mean she did her best but the human mind/soul is beyond complex and the wisdom of man (or woman in this case) wasn’t enough. Applying Biblical principles with God’s help has served me well. In my case, religious faith WAS necessary in this difficult process.
John, have you been watching some George Carlin?
“•HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.
This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it’s simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents’ (or the authority figure’s) performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don’t. Period.”
Well, this certainly made me think alot, anyway.
I agree with you that some people need to simply let go of their parents - to sever physical and emotional ties, because they aren’t getting anything positive at all from the relationship and likely never will. I might disagree with you (although it’s hard to tell obviously from a single brief post) on the numbers and the extent to which this situation exists in our society.
I think one of the things that people get hung up on is this idea of unconditional love. That is, people tend to see relationships with family, and parent/child relationships in particular, in a “they love me unconditionally” or “they don’t love me at all” way. I’m not sure if I’m explaining this well at all, but basically I think if your situation with your parents is troubled, it might be helpful to throw out loaded and romantic words like “love”. When I stopped wondering about “love” in our family and instead focused on the different types of bonds and attatchments we had formed (and I do believe almost every family, no matter how dysfuntional will have strong attatchments - it just happens when people are together for extended periods of time, though they aren’t always positive or healthy), it helped me see things more clearly as well as feel better about where we are as a family.
But anyway, yeah. I think we as a society hang on to this idea that there’s something sacred, magical or mystical almost about family/blood. Family relationships are pretty damn strong, yes, but not for those reasons. If your family really is doing you no good, it’s okay to acknowledge that and move on (and away from them). You don’t have to, but it’s a completely valid option.
This post hit me hard. In college I decided to change my major (I ended up double-majoring). They were livid, and told me I was throwing my life away and they would not support me anymore if I decided to continue (I wanted to major in Children’s Ministry). When this happened, I realized something. My parents have shown their love by buying things. They can be distant and unattached all they want, but when us kids needed something, they were right there to give it to us. Even now, I still think before I do something big, “Would my parents approve of this?”
I thought my parents were good growing up, but through the years I’ve realized how distant they were. And I’m finally starting to realize I need to let some baggage off…2 bags of a dad and mom. Thanks for posting this…at least one person needed to read it.
Good point, John. I was born to teenage parents — very young, with very little life experiences when I came along. (For most of my childhood through young adulthood, I had all sorts of significance issues… I could never even accept that God loved me unconditionally — much less my folks. And I blamed myself for being the cause of their issues. It wasn’t until seven years ago that I finally resolved that this was their issue, not mine. And once that was behind me, I think I could finally accept that I was loved unconditionally by others… and most especially by God.
Thank you so much for posting this! I needed to hear it!
Hey, guys. These comments are fantastic: sensitive, articulate, honest. Wonderful stuff. I’m so sorry I haven’t had time to address each individually; they’re all so trenchant.
Ross: Without question it’s true, as you suggest, that such affairs as we’re here discussing DO go better with God. A religious conversion followed by therapy with a Christian counseler (depending, of course, on the quality of the counselor) sounds positively ideal to me.
Tuesday: Perfect. What a wonderful thing you’ve said. I’m really, really grateful to you for sharing this. It’s … exactly right.
Taryn: Wonderful. Outstanding. It’s amazing the thought it’s clear you’ve already given all this. It’s so refreshing and inspiring to know you’ve already done so much of this kind of emotional work.
Elizabeth: WOW! Another journey undertaken with courage and resloved with understanding. This is just … experience talking, you can tell. Thanks to you, too, for taking the time to share this with us.
Christelle: Thank YOU! (You’ve got a great blog, too; I went and visited it. It’s got a really sweet vibe.)
This is interesting, coming just after your own father’s visit. Having read some of the earlier posts about your childhood, I imagine in the day or two since he’s left, you feel like one of those old pinball machines — blinking and whirring as all sorts of good and bad emotions and memories ricochet through you. “Lost ball. A thousand points! Lost ball. Bonus time!”
I am not a Christian … exactly … and sometimes read your blog to hone my internal debate about faith — but regardless of party affiliation, what you have written today will salve many wounds.
That’s harsh, John.
Mhogue: Wrong. Read it again.
Cheryl: Thank you. For what it’s worth, I didn’t write this on the heels of my father’s visit because I’m in any way conflicted or unresolved relative to my feelings about him–though of course I knew it was absolutely bound to seem that way. Instead, I wrote this because I know a lot of people DO have unresolved issues around their parents. I’ve been honing this Theory of Relativity since I was about eight; my wife and I have been working on it for 25+ years. I would say that knowing this stuff–this particular stuff–is some of the hardest won, most precious knowledge I have. I figured this was a good time to share it. You toss it out; the wind blows it away. Still. I figured one, maybe two people might hear it. Good enough.
Amen.
[...] May 21, 2008 Posted by John Shore in Uncategorized. trackback Yesterday I posted a piece called Unhappy? Reject Your Parents. As I understood beforehand would happen, a lot of people assumed I’d written that piece as [...]
John,
Passed this post on to my wife and she seemed to have an epiphany of some sort. She sent me an e-mail back followed by a “thanks” with exclamation points.
Meanwhile, we “reject our parents” - where does that leave someone? Free - but for what? What or who do we base our self esteem on?
It’s just in our nature for most not to be comfortable with how we view ourselves and to try and base our esteem outside ourselves.
My thought leads to the only being greater than my parents - God.
God’s love for me and desire for relationship seems the closest to unconditional love and acceptance as I can find.
To me, that in turn leads to a “healthy” self-esteem where I am “in touch with my inner loser” and yet know I have value in God’s eyes - and I need that. Everyone needs that.
Thanks again, John.
-Sam
Look, mine did not have TV, were post-war, did the best they could for a couple wrongly matched and since becoming a born again Christian have forgiven totally. Good subject John it will always get a good response.
This article is serendipitous, very affirming on my thoughts for today. I just completed a series of emails with a very good friend about how sad I feel without positive responses from my family every stage of life. Now as a grandmother, I still feel sad about the distant relationships we have together. Little effort is put into building relationships in my family. There were dysfunctional roles in my family (absent, hypercritical, or uninvolved father and sibling, with an alcoholic mother). When I was less than 12 yo, I regularly prayed for different parents because I needed attention and love. I was starving and knew it. No self-help reading was done, no soap operas to watch and suggest to me, no TV show talk hosts educating me as to what healthy families look like. And yet, I knew - and I knew it was not me that needed replacing. Didn’t get my prayers answered, by the way. Learned the 10 commandments, live by them, and get the bottom line of the article to be - stop the self-centeredness about others behaviors and their thinking is somehow about me. And since I cannot change others but myself, then I need to quit trying to change the past. My parents lacked the tools and skills to raise me. They did housekeeping duties, that’s it. So, my happiness will come when I change my perspective (it doesn’t have to deny reality). No wonder I don’t understand my relationship in the family - we don’t have one.
I believe in me; and what will make me happy. Taking a perspective that does not make me suffer, helps.
The picture of you proves your mastery to shave indeed. Unfortunately that was the only joy. It was fearful to read your call to reject our parents. Jesus never taught us so. Therefore let me thank dear Vicki here She left the wonderful comment under your post.
Who is Vicki? And what are you afraid of?
It was yesterday that I realized that my relationship with my father has been NOTHING more than abusive from his end–physically, emotionally, spiritually. The man is poison. And he never loved me. There was no “sacrificing so that Daughter could have something”–quite the reverse! He would sometimes leave for weeks at a time, no idea where to, without leaving my mother a cent for groceries.
Analytically realizing this to be the case, it nonetheless hurts like the devil. It has left me mournful.
It’s true that most people have no idea how to parent. Most people never read parenting books or attend classes; they never even work out for themselves their own parenting philosophies. And they never discuss with whatever partner is present how parenting should proceed with the both of them as parents. They usually parent as they were parented, or as a reaction to the way they were parented.
It is hence my belief that most people are screwing up their children in some way or other.
Incidentally enough, a psychologist with Florida State University as recently published a study which finds that having children makes people more unhappy than it makes them happy. (This idea is not new in psychology.) Having children is hard.
I think most people shouldn’t have children. I am reminded of a quote by Blaise Pascal: “The more I see of Mankind, the more I prefer my dog.”
I lost my mother when I was 15 years old. I tried to stay connected with a family that I had nothing in common with for 24 years. My earthly father isn’t a godly example. My brother and I were physically and emotionally abused growing up. I don’t think he is a christian. My step-mother is a christian. Finally when my earthly father told me he didn’t like me being involved with my kids in sports, my job, and my church I felt like I was being rejected. He thought I should stop everything but my job. I chose to stop going to family gatherings. I also don’t call hardly ever. They don’t come to any of my childrens events except when my daughter played in the orchestra. He talks bad about me because I won’t take my children over to their house. He calls me a hypocrite. They don’t visit my children in my home. It has been almost 2 years since I broke away from the family. I actually felt like my family died again. It was so traumatic for me and my husband. My daughter- which is 17 now -has been over there twice. She says that she hears 2 stories. I can’t stop her from going over there, but I can’t protest her if she does. But I am responsible for her. I pray for my earthly father ever day. I know that God can move mountains and turn problems like this around for His glory. It was strange to read some of the responses on this page because it in a way confirmed what I thought God was telling me. (Reject everything so God can arrive). I have no desire to communicate with them. My husbands family are christians and are very supportive. God has been there for me all of the time. He has taken that void away that my parents left. My husband and I quit having so many arguments and are communicating better. I am trying to surround myself with christian people. God has also used me since then to help others. My earthly father didn’t know how to raise me and my brother. It wasn’t his fault, but that doesn’t mean that I have to subject me and my family to verbal abuse-anymore! I was raised to listen and not talk back-EVER!. Also that children were weant to be seen and not heard. Fortunately my husband was raised in a christian home and with Gods help has shown me how to be a better parent. I thank God for that every day!
I can only say that I have a love for my earthly father the way my heavenly father would have me to. “Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free” Thank you-I still have a ways to go. Its hard togo through the teenage years with your kids and have problems like this. I am learning to give it to God. I told my stepmother that I was willing (or I think I am ready) to meet with them at a food place if there were no bickering and hollaring. I don’t want to go to their house because it is my earthly fathers turf where he is king. If something was said and done I would be afraid that i would do or say something that would be harmful. If you have any comments I would appreciate them.
Dear Mr. Shore,
I found your article about rejecting your parents through a random web search about parents rejecting their children.
I had no choices in my childhood, was dragged all over the country by a mother who was desperately chasing my father, and a father who didn’t want us. My mother cut off from her family and so did my father. I never knew their families and only met my mother’s later in my life after finding them.
It has taken me many years of admitting my parents just didn’t like me and lost out on a nice child, and the last 3 years have been so revealing. I have been living my life on more automatic reactions rather than really thinking about why I do the things I do and who are or are not my friends. I finally stopped and looked at it all and it was terribly painful.
I was so discouraged from making friends, keeping friends, finding the truth and knowing who I was that I fell apart in adulthood. I was set up with no coping skills or success in anything for life. I was SUPPOSED to fail. So I could, I guess, reinforce for them, that life is hard and you cannot win. Then I was mentally beaten by a God that loved me ON CONDITION that I did what HE wanted or ELSE. The love of God was spouted out as some kind of paneacia but when I tried to learn about his so called unconditional love I was thumped for having assumptions that I might actually be a good child rather than a waste of space or just a servant.
My parents always made me feel it was my fault for my problems. Everything is MY FAULT because I didn’t react correctly or I just “misunderstood” what them meant, even though they changed the rules again and I missed the memo. That is tiresome and I reject it. It is my parents fault for giving me nothing to succed in this life. I had to go around them and learn all I could so I could at least function. Everything I learned I learned alone through books and observation. I have been pretending to be normal but in reality I feel lost and undesirable.
For years I have to correct everything my parents did to me, both physically and legally, and for two summers I have had epiphanies as to why I have reacted to the world as a hostile place that does not love you or ever will. I learned to hate myself before allowing anyone else to hurt me with that same attitude. That way they didn’t have to constantly beat me up mentally and really demolish my soul.I did it for them.
I have had to reject my parents compleatly, their idea of a God that loves you ONLY IF….. I tired of hearing how it was all my fault.
I was only trying to protect the shreds of my self esteem and inner person they didn’t get a chance to rip apart.
Since their deaths, which freed my soul from having to pretend to be whatever they wanted, which would change every time I thought I figured out what they wanted in a daughter, I am completely ready to forget them. I feel like lousy Christian because I cannot find anything about them to honor. They taught me to fear, to hate myself, and gave me no encouragement on how to interact with others in this world. They destroyed all my attempts at a better life till I finally left my home state for many years.
I felt used by them for their needs mostly. It is very hard to trust anyone who has tried to kill you as a four-year old child because it would be better to send you back to God. It basically leaves you unsure of your place on on this earth or if you have a right to survival at all. Desparately pleasing them was a survival trait I learned. Don’t ask too much or get out of line.
I am trying very hard to forgive them, but more I would rather reject them and run toward something better. They are dead now, I must admit I am so glad I don’t deal with them any longer. I had to burn my mothers journals because she said NOTHING good about me in them. She once told me I wasn’t good enough to have children, so I’d better not. I granted her wish. My body stressed itself into disease, so that I could never get pregnant.
I have felt very lonely for years although I am married to a very understanding man. He has seen this kind of ill treatment through his job and has a lot of patience. I spent years in emotional distress and physical illness and wondering if I had the right to be alive. My parents instilled in me that I was worthless to them, so I always wondered what good I was on this earth. I am working towards self love, which is NOT SELFISH. I need to love myself enough to stay alive and not give up. I do fairly well most of the time, but sometimes I get very depressed when I really need to talk to someone to make sure my feelings are natural. I am afraid to reveal my vulnerablility to others because they can use it as leverage later when they turn on me.
I keep having “epiphanies” as to why I am doing things I do, and that I no longer have to work in survival mode, but can choose what to do or how to react.
I have only one other sibling who was not there for the major beatings I had to watch my mother endure or the alcoholism I had to witness as my father went into womanizing and anger.
I don’t think my brother knows how deeply it has affected me but I know he has been deeply hurt too. He admitted to me that he has been harshly judgemental toward others because that is all he experienced as a child. No love, just judgement. Neither of us thought we could ever please our parents. He is doing better than I am. Maybe because they gave him more time or he was the “boy” and I was not as valuable.
I must say I do not like my parents. I am trying to return to God but I really need some Christians to show me that unconditional LOVE does exist. That it’s possible for someone not to judge you because you are different, unsocial or had a rotten life, and for them not to fear who I am might “rub off on them.” I can’t say I have met many Christians of this kind. Mostly I hear from them how everyone outside of their little sect is going to Hell and wrong. In the four years I have been living in our town I have had ONE Christian person reach out to me unconditionally and lovingly. I was like a starving skeleton eating food for the first time in thirty years. I didn’t think Christians wanted anyone new around them or anyone so hurt they cannot seem to understand how deep it goes. I wonder if there really are Christian who care anymore. Not in my town I guess. Only one person at all, I guess.
I guess Christians have become too frightened to reach out to others in need. Somehow a sick wounded bleeding person is supposed to crawl to a church and beg for a little help. I wonder if Jesus would have slunk back and kept his mouth shut because others might punish him for sharing the gospel. I guess not because he died for us. I am trying to relate that to me.
I pray that God will help me to forgive my parents but I must admit I would like to just put them out of my mind for the rest of my life. I wonder if we see these people in the afterlife? I would much rather see my cat who loved me unconditionally and understood all my moods and just snuggled me when I was down.
I wonder if animals are not God’s way of showing we the rejected that there is some kind of Love out there for us too. Sometimes I wish I had been born a cat or dog without the hate and anger and hurtfullness of humans. But that is probably selfish to want as well.
I think I am looking for my place in the world and feel cut off and lonely. I understand it when someone who looks perfectly normal and happy on the outside then manages to commit suicide and then the rest of the people around them say, I don’t understand, he/she seemed so happy, what happened? Then the obvious clues start to become clear and everyone realizes they could have done a little more, said a kind word or actually maybe tried to help the person so wounded that living becomes harder than dying.
I pray that God can come to me and I can let him in and I can forgive my parents. it is going to take time and it would help if others would understand me. But I don’t look for that anymore. I just would like to feel that complete overcoming of the holy spirit everyone talks about and I can find the ability to forgive and forget and move one. I feel like the sick person who has to heal herself alone.
Nima: I’m going to present your story to my readers, and ask them to pray for you. I’ll be doing that tommorow morning. Thank you for having the courage to so openly and honestly share your heartbreaking story with us. That you’ve survived what you have, and are having these “epiphanies” is an inspiration to us all.
… and in contrast to the last comment I made on your site, I think this post is incredibly astute.
Another reason why it’s important to wake up to the crappiness of one’s parents is that until you do, you’re likely to perpetuate that same crap on your own kids, because it’s what you unconsciously associate with “loving” parental behavior. Which tends to create generation after generation of emotionally abused, depressed alcoholics, among other things.