(The astonishing number of pretty darn hostile comments it has inspired compels me to say that this piece is meant as humor, as [I daresay] anyone who actually reads the thing is bound to see. Please rest assured that, as slow as I am, I am not so slow as to have ever actually confused Santa Claus with Satan. I love Santa Claus. I’m entirely pro-Santa Claus. I have Santa Clausi all over my house. I understand that the reason Santa wears his cap is not to hide his little red horns.)
As Christians, don’t we hate the commercialization of Christmas? Doesn’t it drive us crazy that while we’re trying to have Christ be the focus of Christmas, everyone else wants the key personality of the Christmas season to be Santa Claus?
So isn’t it true that at this time every year it’s pretty purely Christ vs. Santa?
And doesn’t that make Santa the anti-Christ?
Ho, ho, ho, indeed. The gall of that monster pretending to be jolly.
And Santa being Satan certainly explains a lot. For one, it explains the red suit. It also explains the flying reindeer. Remember how scary the flying monkeys were in The Wizard of Oz? Clearly, making mammals fly is an earmark of the malevolent. And seriously, what would you rather have flying over you: a 50-pound monkey, or a 500-pound reindeer? That wide-brimmed hat the Wicked Witch of the West wears might protect her from monkey droppings, but is it really going to help against a team of reindeer flying overhead?
And elves. Please. An elf is just a gnome with better P.R. And everyone knows gnomes live to create havoc. I used to live in a house in the woods that got a gnome infestation. Believe me, that is not something you want to live through. And if it ever does happen to a place you’re living, do not use Gnome Hotel. That product is useless. Those little creeps built on to the Gnome Hotel we left out for them. They put in a little jacuzzi, and a deck. The workmanship was awful. And it led to all these little booze bottles being scattered all around the place.
Terrible. We finally had to call in a pack of rottweilers. Boy. Talk about getting the job done.
Anyway, the point is that Santa is Satan. Look how close their names are! And Santa/Satan isn’t the only diabolic anagram going on with Mr. Red Nose’s name, either. Rearrange the letters spelling “Saint Nick,” and what do you get? That’s right: sick taint. And Kris Kringle? Try Sir Grinlekk — which totally sounds like it could be the name of one of Harry Potter’s wicked wizards, doesn’t it? So I think that settles it.
Santa Claus. Satan’s cause. Satan’s claws. It’s not even subtle.
Plus, everyone knows that the Devil’s whole thing is to make people believe the opposite of the truth. And, as we all know, Hades is about as far south as south gets. So where does “Santa” live? But of course: as far north as north gets.
Pffhhht. Any child is trickier.
Speaking of children, do I even need to mention how wrong it is to teach our children to associate getting great things for free with breaking and entering? How long is it before any kid with any initiative at all thinks, “Hmm. Santa. Down chimney while people sleep. December 25. Me. Through window while people are on vacation. Now.”
The Christmas season is upon us. Let us become ever more vigilant against the evil that tries to distract us from its true meaning. Christmas is about celebrating the incarnation of God — period. And that is why I, for one, will be prepared throughout this entire Christmas season to at any given moment stand straight, point accusingly, and cry at the top of my lungs, “Get thee behind me, Santa!”
I’ll let you know how that goes.
“Get thee behind me, Santa!”
Priceless.
just remember to remember-the truth always
Yeah, Leif.
“Jesus is the Reason for the Season”
” We resist you, Santa; you are fake . . . there is no truth in you”.
Wow…kinda heavy on the caffiene maybe?…
A little over the top today, huh John?
I resent the commercialization of Christmas, but I contribute to it with every gift and decoration I buy. I resent that Santa seems to be replacing the true meaning of Christmas. However, as one wise woman in my Sunday school class pointed out, Santa is just a symbol for a very generous bishop who wanted to give to poor children because Christ gave to him.
So, let the giving commence! Talk about the One who gave up everything - the kingdom of Heaven, for heaven’s sake - to take on a human form, be constrained by time and space, live a short life, and die for us that we might join Him in that heavenly kingdom.
What gift - or gift giver - can possibly top that?
I believe that as Christians we should not allow secular celebrations to replace the real signficance of Christmas-God sending his only son to die for our sins. However, I also believe that Santa can exist alongside a spiritual Christmas. It is up to parents to teach their children the reason that we celebrate Christmas and that, while it is great that Santa brings them presents, they need to realize that Jesus is the best Christmas gift of all.
I came across a website (www.ChristmasGram.com) that is using Santa as the spokesperson to teach children that Christ is the reason we celebrate Christmas. Santa sends a personal e-mail video to the child and there is even an option for the parent to add a special message. In every video Santa tells the Christmas story-the story of Jesus’s birth. It is very well done and very refreshing!
Letter from Jesus about Christmas –
Dear Children,
It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season. Maybe you’ve forgotten that I wasn’t actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of your predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered anytime.
How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don’t care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn’t allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn’t be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.
Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, look up John 15: 1 - 8.
If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:
1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.
2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don’t have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.
3. Instead of writing George complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don’t you write and tell him that you’ll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up. It will be nice hearing from you again.
4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can’t afford and they don’t need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.
5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.
6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don’t know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.
7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren’t allowed to wish you a “Merry Christmas” that doesn’t keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn’t make so much money on that day they’d close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families
8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary– especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.
9. Here’s a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no “Christmas” tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don’t know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.
10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don’t do things in secret that you wouldn’t do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.
Don’t forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I’ll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I’ll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love.
***just thoughts***
Jane,
My major problem with Santa is that we lie to our children, telling them he is real (the Easter bunny, too). And then, when they get older, they find out otherwise.
If we’ve played up that lie, what will they make of Jesus? Will they continue to believe that He really exists?
Just checked out christmasgram.com and loved the way the real reason for celebrating christmas is told by santa to children.
Channeling some Dana Carvey today are we, John? Well, isn’t that special!
Here comes Satan’s Claws Here comes Satan’s Claws right down Satan Clause lane…
But seriously, without googling and a quick cut and paste job here, I do pretend about Santa and read the old, “Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus” stuff, the history, etc. It’s as make-believe as Sesame Street but some lessons can be taught using it.
My kids seem to be on an even keel even when me and the missus are busy keel-hauling them. Witness what happened at my boy’s recent decade of decadence celebration (aka 10th Birthday). He selected my daughter’s seemingly insignificant gift of a short kid’s book.
I’d tried to talk her out of it. It seemed self-serving - a child’s book with flashing lights and music aimed more at 6-year-old.
My boy told everybody to quite down and reverently read the book -he lyrics to “O Little Town of Bethlehem” - the 10 males and one tiny female gathered in a 15 x 15 basement.
We play a game of numbers. Jesus always gets top billing year-round, but we introduce a little levity at each season’s change and Santa and the Nativity both get play. Later, the Eats-ter bunny comes buy (I love to explain to the kids how my uncle used to gut such bunnies and serve them up fried when I was their age). And we recognize Santa is but a fallen angel compared to our Savior, born in a little town named Bethlehem.
Thanks John, I’m sure you’ll make a great father some day with your playful sense of humor.
I am a Christian, but do not celebrate Christmas. Why? Because I know how the holiday came to be. It is a long series of events consisting of the Catholic Church incorporating paganism into a “holiday” that they created. It is not commanded anywhere in the Bible to celebrate Christmas, yet so many believe it is essential to their faith, even non-catholics! The Messiah was not born on Christmas, and I realize that a lot of people do know this, but do you know whose birthday is on December 25th ? You’ll never guess! Only about four or five sun gods-one from Babylon, one from Egypt, one from Persia, and a few more I can’t remember off the top of my head. I am a scripturalist, so if I don’t see a command from God to do something in the Bible, I don’t do it.
John, you made me chuckle quite a lot. I think most people notice the similarity in the names and think nothing of it. It’s kind of like those old-fashioned stage artists who are one person on one side and a totally different person on the other side. The second half is much uglier.
I am a huge fan of Christmas. Like Jane, I saw the ChrsitmasGram.com website. Totally awesome concept - hijacking Santa from the secular progressives.
You need to lighten up dude. The Puritans didn’t celebrate Christmas, nor do the Jehovah Witnesses. I believe Christmas is the most important day on the calendar. As a Catholic, I am in day #2 of the Advent Season - preparing myself for the coming of Christ - a coming necessary so he could ultimately destroy the grip of Satan.
Do some research. Saint Nick is an early Church Father, dating from the 3rd centurty.
Don’t piss on Christmas just because you are perpetually on the naughty list for having a bad attitude. Lighten up grinch.
Gomez: Are you talking to me??
Okay, does anyone think I WASN’T kidding with this piece?
Surely not, right? RIGHT?
Thanks for the laugh John. The whole Claus - Claws thing kinda spooked me. I’m ok though. Its satire, right? Check out my Christmas poem on my blog when you get a chance. It seems we’re all going Christmas this week.
Love it…good thing my roommate wasn’t here for all the laughing I just did! I still celebrate Christmas, full of Christmas tree’s and presents. But through it all, I’m continously reminded of the real reason. So let’s celebrate!
Oh yeah, the last line is my favorite of like, all time!
We have 4 children, the youngest is now 17. Instead of telling them about Santa we taught them about the One who gives us every good and perfect gift. Instead of telling Santa what they wanted for Christmas they prayed and asked Jesus. They know about Santa and they understand that many kids believe in him but our kids know the true story of St. Nicklaus, the bishop. They see Santa every where this time of year, including my mom’s house where she has her little Santa collection, but in our home the only Santa we have is one statue I found of Santa knelling at the manager, worshipping Christ.
That’s what this season is all about, worshipping Christ with our lives in thanks for all He has so freely given us.
Merry Christmas
Janiece
I just read the history of St. Nicholas on the internet. If you read the history, He was a good man back in 280a.d. who at night time, when the kids were sleeping because he wanted to stay anonymous, went out to give gifts to the village in which he lived. He was a real and a good man. Yes this world has blown it all out of proportion. But I would not blame the original St. Nicholas for the way it has changed.
Technically, we don;t really have to celebrate Christmas because we;re not commanded to in the Bible. So I think even though I know that Jesus is the reason for the season, I think we need to relax a little here and and quit focusing on Satan. Not that I don;t beleive in him, I do. But he gets enough credit for all the bad stuff going on in the world anyway. I think we need to be loving and serving the poor and needy during this time of year and give gifts to those who really need them. That shows Christs love more than anything. Love covers a multitude of sins. Love. Unconditional love as He has had for us. Merry Christmas.
Tell #13 he needs to relax man. No its not in the Bible to celebrate Christmas. But the word Trinity is not in the Bible either and we believe it. Yes Santa is dressed in red. Yes Santas name is close to Satan. So what. Let the world get wrapped up in that if they want to. We understand it is one of the best times of the year to help the homeless, poor, widows, people in prison, just as Jesus “commanded” us to do. Thats real Christmas man. And yes its still ok to celebrate his birth even if its not commanded and we are doing it at the wrong time of the year. Do you think God cares? As long as we are doing good and “showing” the gospel in deeds and action instead of just talking about it. Love, Love, Love everybody, period. Thats what he commanded us to do.
I’m struggling with scrooginess this year. Every time anyone asks me what I want for Christmas I have to choke down a rant about the commercialization of Christmas (not to mention it’s pagan roots). However John, you have given me a new rallying cry with “Get Thee Behind Me Santa!”
Ha! That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Thanks. I loved the “Gnome Hotel”, and the flying monkey comparisons. I’m still more afraid of those monkeys though. I mean, they have thumbs and can grab stuff.. like a person.. and fly off with them. Lets face it, if you wanted to fly off with a reindeer, you’d have to be a willing participant. Probably riding them… with one hand waving in the air shouting “yeeeeeHAW”.. and, that’s just not scary now, is it? Unless you were tied on by gnomes against your will… with no coat on… ????
Yeah. That would suck. Good thing I have a rottweiler.
Thank you for the words you wrote. Jesus should get all the attention and honour He deserves. (instead of santa.satan)People talk about santa not about Jesus. It is very sad.Letters and publications like this will make people understand their mistakes. God bless you brother. Mary Varughese Delhi. December 4.
Cute…except it’s CLAUS, not CLAUSE…unless you are strictly referring to the movie by said name…
Hey John,
Nice piece….Snicker…Have many christians read chapter 14 in the Book of Romans…we’re to give each other (christians) a break!
Even in Paul’s time, people differed on various customs, habits, and days of the week. Yes, with each type of human being you got a different mindset. Even many non-christians know that Santa is a holiday thing - not a real person. Santa isn’t a saint, just a legend built on a real person’s kindness in Europe. But that person showed the love of Jesus by having compassion on certain folks, eh?!
Pushing commercialization aside like a curtain, can we see how many organizations (even secular), persons, businesses, etc. are trying to help people this time of the year? Helping them in many and various ways? Too much of this who Santa is, Christmas theories, whatever and how Jesus would or is left out of Christmas. I love Jesus with my whole heart…but we christians need to focus on loving each other in truth, not in intellectual theory because many are hurting in the christian realm and in the secular. “Love one another, even as I have loved you…” That is the coolest Christmas gift to each other…Dukey-Dog
A wonderful holiday piece. I am stealing (with citation) a section to post on my blog - “Necessary Therapy”. I do so with some fear and trembling, but also with the confidence that you appreciate publicity as much as I do. Keep up the good work.
[...] by John Shore at Simply Christian [...]
Nice.
I have only read your blog once and was very moved by your testimony but this post is downright stupid and I have never ever said that to a blogger before.
Mimi
Wow! How … BLUNT of you!
But seriously: Tell me how you really feel about the piece.
Santa is the latin for saint. It is also spanish for holy. So I guess using your logic all spanish bibles should be burned because they are from Satan (SANTA Bilblia). Santa wears red because she is based on Saint Nicholas, a real person who was a Bishop in Turkey. Bishops have historically worn red as a sign of their office. But I am sure in your narrow mind, Saint Nicholas is Satan, because he was Eastern Orthodox (that right, not Catholic). Open that narrow mind of yours and get a grip.
I think you kinda went overborad and a little extreme - The problem is the commericalism and big companies trying to make money. People buy into to this and as parents we need to teach our children the true meaning of Christmas and Christ is the reason we celebrate this time of the year. As long as people are caught up in the hype of spending, spending and wanting the “updated whatever” this will continue. We feed the monster because it is constantly put in our faces and we seem to be caught on this ride which seems to be getting worst. I myself am guilty of getting on this ride which is easy to get on. As for Santa - St. Nicholas was a giving man who helped the poor. He didn’t go and give out HDTV’s or $600 purses. I guess
we need to try to bring the light the” true light” back to Christmas .
Well - Merry Christmas everyone!!
Okay, so people are NOT getting that this is a joke.
Nah, that can’t be it. Roach hotel. Flying animal jokes.
People are (sometimes) reading this too fast, and then responding to what they THINK it says.
Whew. So life makes sense again. Cuz for a minute there…
You are just a delusional conspiracy theorist….
Lighten up man….seriously!
You know, this makes me wonder whether people are ALWAYS reading my pieces as quickly as so many clearly have this one. It can’t be just THIS one that people are buzzing through so fast they’re not actually reading what it SAYS, right?
Wow. Interesting. (”Iranian Ajax”??)
Hi John. Enjoyed the piece.
And I just want to wish you a very Happy Festivus!
Get ready. I’ll be back for the airing of grievances.
Happy Festivus!
Man, I’m telling you: I think that whole Happy Festivus thing (from “Seinfeld,” if you don’t know) is without question one the funniest bits in the history of me falling off my couch laughing.
If this is you idea of a choice..it didn’t get any laughs from me.
Life is hard enough for Christians without you making up stories trying to get a laugh at St. Nick’s expense. Shame on you.
My idea of a “choice”?
Okay … is this just me? Did I accidentally pour WHISKEY into my coffee this morning, or something?
Sane people? You’re still out there, right? Somewhere?
Still here John. Breathe through those contractions. It helps.
I was rolling on the floor laughing (in my mind)…
John…do my eyes deceive me, or are most of the negative comments here from Christians?
What’s up with that? How can anyone NOT see that this was a joke?
Hmm… Quite funny I would say, as though it sounds more convincing than Santa is actually real.
I would rather have birds flying over my head than 500lb deer flying over my head.
Think about it, birds fly, and sometimes they poop while they fly, I don’t think I can survive a rain deer pooping on me from 1000 feet up, let alone having my car park outside, no insurance agency will ever cover that!
Jansen.
For the speed readers/commentors: the point of this post may be found in John’s opening question and in John’s closing paragraph.
I love humor that makes a point. But for those who do not, go read my Christmas poem. Of course, some who enjoyed John’s post might be offended by my poem. Twas the Very First Christmas
Wait … this was a joke? Dang … and I just burned every Christmas decoration I had, and got a bunch of extra ammo for the .410 in case of flying reindeer … sigh … Maybe you should put a warning label on jokes in the future, for those of us who are irony-deficient.
Good humor with a good message in it. Watch out for the flying mammals this year. You don’t want to end up like grandma.
Merry Christmas!
[...] December 4, 2007 — wickle This post at Suddenly Christian was [...]
Wow. You are an idiot. We as Christians need to learn to be tolerant to others. Your mind is clouded. The way that we celebrate a holiday is up to us. Saying that Santa Claus is the anti-Christ is like saying that the Jews are wrong to celebrate their religion the way they feel. Who are you to say how people can celebrate? What makes you holier than I because I enjoy celebrating Christmas the way I feel? The bible teaches tolerance and to accept others. Get over yourself.
imftw: Dude…read the comments. It’s meant to be humorous!!!!!
I don’t know which I find more humorous… the original post… or all the comments. The ones who get it, or almost as funny as the ones who don’t. Sheesh. Merry STRESSmas everyone!
(BTW - Loved comment # 44… “irony-deficient”. Ha! )
Well, as anyone who’s been reading my blog for awhile knows, sort of my whole THING is to getting Christians and non-Christians to stop being so freakin’ hostile towards one another.
But now I see that that was a mistake. Now I see that the REAL distinction between people isn’t whether or not they believe in God. It’s whether or not they’re FUNNY at all.
Man. Live and learn.
Yeah, I LOVED “irony-deficient”! I’d never heard that before. Cracked me up.
Please read about the real St. Nicholas. He does not bear much of a resemblance to the American “Santa.” He was the bishop of Myra in the late 3rd/early 4th century A.D., and was imprisoned for his Christian faith. He may have been at the Council of Nicea (325 A.D.). He gave money to those in need. We don’t hang our stockings on Christmas eve; we put out shoes and stockings on the eve of the feast of Saint Nicholas (December 6), and remember his sacrifices for his faith in Jesus. How many people idolize sports heroes and movie stars? Think about how wonderful it would be to follow the examples of those who lived holy lives of sacrifice and love for God and their fellow man instead. We will be joyfully celebrating the feast day of St. Nicholas and the feast of our Savior’s birth. If you want an excellent animated film on the true St. Nicholas, there is one available from Ignatius Press (look them up online)!
I’m still not sure which is funnier, your sharp-as-ever satire or the humor to be found in people who take this stuff WAYYYYYYYY to seriously.
Kudos to liz (#8) on your excellent letter from Jesus. I think we’d all grow up just a bit if more of us realized the truth of that last bit about how God is more than capable of taking care of Himself and protecting His interests. Honestly, the biggest problem with Islam beyond being a lie is that the Muslims think they are responsible for protecting Allah’s interests. God handles criticism great because He is God. There is just nothing that comes even close to comparing with Him. And He reserves all vengeance to himself.
Once again John, you had me in stitches. Keep up the good word. Gnome Hotel… (shakes head)
You’re kidding me about this, right? Saint Nick/Santa Claus was a historical person, Saint Nicholas, a Catholic Bishop. That’s why the red, that’s why the gifts and the Catholic Church replacing the pagan holiday of Mithras with Christ’s Mass (Christmas) is why we celebrate this holy day on December 25th.
This is an embarrassment to have this posted as a credible commentary. “Father, forgive them, they still know not what they do.”
This is getting to be more fun than Swift’s “Modest Proposal.”
What the–?!?!?!
John perhaps if you put a disclaimer on this sort of piece. iMonk (I mention him because I want him to get the credit) has a heading he uses–”Laugh or Else.” Because man, I think people are ready to poke each other’s eyeballs out over Santa and such.
BTW you were totally wrong about the flying monkeys–in the movie they were way bigger than one pound. Granted, still smaller than a reindeer, but definitely big enough to cause a stink.
Maybe if everyone had some eggnog or hot chocolate they could calm down and just celebrate/not. Certainly hot chocolate didn’t originate with the pagans? Was it the Aztecs? Can we (ie Christians) drink stuff that originated with the Aztecs? Or maybe just some hot water. Certainly that won’t touch any nerves…except people who like their drinks to taste like anything. OK I’ll stop…
As tongue-in-cheek as this post is, telling children about Santa is far less harmful than telling them about God outside of the proven historical aspects.
Children stop believing in Santa when the ruse is up, and the entire period of life is marked as wondrous and halcyonic. Losing that belief is a layer of innocence lost. Believing in God, however, is a life-long delusional framework that often hinders functioning and rational thinking as an adult.
I’m happily teaching my son about Santa, for its a childhood rite of passage. I will not teach him about God unless he shows an interest in it, just as I won’t teach him about Muhammad or Buddha. If he choses a religious direction, then HE chose, not me. I will not indoctrinate, but I will educate.
Jeff, I respect your decision to wait for your son to show interest in God before tackling that topic, but I take exception to the word “delusional” when referring to those who believe in God. Faith, or lack thereof, is not a mental health issue. Come on, it’s Christmastime, let’s be nice to each other! Have some hot water…
Wow! For a moment there, I thought you were serious! Now that I know better I can only say “Wonderful!” Great post.
Skerrib, while I have never used the use “delusional” to describe believers (beyond buying and enjoying “The God Delusion”), using strict definitions he’s correct.
Delusion: something that is falsely believed or propagated
By that definition, technically believers think that non-believers are delusional.
That being said, it is a bit rude to use a word that is loaded down with such negativity.
The problem with you guys is that anything catholic is devilish. Pope is dubbed the anti-Christ with a 666 marked on his forehead, relics are hogwash and so on and so forth… bla bla bla. You’re no different than those radical muslim fanatics. You need to drink a little cool aid. In other words grow up, up and up!!!
Ouch! Wow John, what a big hit, as in right in the nose. Don’t let those with no sense of humor bum you out. Forge ahead. Go where no humorist has gone before. Blasted Jim! I’m a jokester not a grinch!
Okay, lemme give this a try …
DEAR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT I’M POSITING THAT SANTA CLAUS IS SATAN:
Hi, there. I’m John. I see you’ve taken seriously my above piece, “Santa. Satan. Anagrammatic Coincidence? No.”
Say, do you mind if we take a moment to review a few key excerpts from that piece? No? Cool. Well, let’s start with this clipping:
” … It also explains the flying reindeer. Remember how scary the flying monkeys were in The Wizard of Oz? Clearly, making mammals fly is an earmark of the malevolent. And seriously, what would you rather have flying over you: a one-pound monkey, or a 500-pound reindeer? That wide-brimmed hat the Wicked Witch of the West wears might protect her from monkey droppings, but is it really going to help against a team of reindeer flying overhead?
“And elves. Please. An elf is just a gnome with better P.R. And everyone knows gnomes live to create havoc. I used to live in a house in the woods that got a gnome infestation. Believe me, that is not something you want to live through. And if it ever does happen to a place you’re living, do not use Gnome Hotel. That product is useless. Those little creeps built on to the Gnome Hotel we left out for them. They put in a little jacuzzi, and a deck. The workmanship was awful. And it led to all these little booze bottles being scattered all around the place.
“Terrible. We finally had to call in a pack of rottweilers. Boy. Talk about getting the job done.”
Now, this excerpt is simply chockablock full of humor. “An elf is just a gnome with better P.R.,” for instance, is a very funny line. And you might not know this, but there’s actually no such thing as a “Gnome Hotel,” see. And if there WAS such a thing, it’d be funny to think of gnomes LIKING to live in there — and it’d REALLY funny to imagine them actually adding a deck and a jacuzzi to one. See? See how funny that is? Because in truth, gnomes don’t really infest people’s homes. That never, ever happens. That’s part of the whole Comedy Routine of this passage. Just like the whole deal with the flying reindeer vs. the flying monkeys. See, again, the idea THERE was that it’s funny to compare flying deer and flying monkeys as IF they existed, which they don’t. And to then add in the idea that the reason the Wicked Witch of the West wears the hat she does is because it protects her from falling monkey droppings? That, too, is really funny. Because that WOULD make sense. That’s EXACTLY the kind of hat you’d want to wear beneath flying monkeys. Not that there’s any such thing as flying monkeys. There isn’t.
Now, let’s look at another clip from the piece:
“Rearrange the letters spelling “Saint Nick,” and what do you get? That’s right: sick taint. And Kris Kringle? Try Sir Grinlekk — which totally sounds like it could be the name of one of Harry Potter’s wicked wizards, doesn’t it? So I think that settles it.”
See, the idea of “Sir Grinlekk” solving ANYTHING is funny. Just the NAME “Sir Grinlekk” is funny. It’s funny because it has a funny sound. Yet, it sounds real. But if you try saying “Grinlekk” out loud, I’m sure you’ll find it at least mildly humorous.
Here’s another excerpt:
“Speaking of children, do I even need to mention how wrong it is to teach our children to associate getting great things for free with breaking and entering? How long is it before any kid with any initiative at all thinks, ‘Hmm. Santa. Down chimney while people sleep. December 25. Me. Through window while people are on vacation. Now.’” See, now what makes THIS funny is that everyone knows Santa enters households in the middle of the night to LEAVE things, not take things. So it’s funny to posit as a serious concern the idea that any kid would logically go from believing in Santa Claus to believing it’s good to rob houses. No kid would do that, see. It’s not logical. The fact that I made it SEEM so logical is the funny part.
Finally, we have the penultimate line of the whole piece, the “Get thee behind me, Santa!” line. Believe it or not, this line is about as funny as funny gets. It’s funny because “Get thee behind me SATAN” is a classic, hugely important moment in the Bible. Whereas “Get thee behind me SANTA” is just … stupid. No one would ever say that, see. The fantastic thing about that line is not only that it’s extremely funny in and of itself, but it also perfectly captures the entire dynamic of the piece, which is ALL about ways of humorously juxtaposing God and Santa.
See? The piece is FUNNY. That means it’s NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. You know how on Saturday Night Live they PRETEND to be reading the actual news, when really they’re just being FUNNY about the news? You know how they do that? This is like that. Only right now you’re not watching TV. What you’re reading right now is called a COMPUTER.
John, is it possible that you’re just not funny?
Wait, no, impossible! Blasphemy even! Of course you’re funny. Some people were just born without funny bones.
Well, I don’t know if it’s BLASHPHEMY to suggest I’m not funny, but I will say this: If I’m not one of the funniest people anyone who’s ever met me has ever met, may God, right now, strike me down dead.fjffj.dlz;lssssss..ss
You should try the George Carlin schtick.
“If there is a god, may he strike this audience dead!”
John,
Now you know how Orsin Wills felt When he did War of The Worlds on Radio.
Maby you have a first in the blog world.
Hang in there.
My side is still hurting.
Yes I agree with rep..you guys grow up..up up.anything about catholic is always devilish for you guys ..you know why because CATHOLIC FAITH is the REAL ONE..OUR TRUE RELEGION FOUNDED BY THE BODY & BLOOD OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST. THAT’S WHY SATAN IS REALLY WORKING HARD TO DESTROY OUR CATHOLIC FAITH..HE IS RUNNING OUT OF TIME..HE IS USING ALL PEOPLE SPECIALLY THOSE WHO DO NOT KNOW THEIR FAITH. IN THE END SACRED HEART OF JESUS & EMMACULATE HEART OF OUR BLESSED VIRGIN MARY WILL TRIUMPH..IF YOU GUYS HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY ABOUT SOME PEOPLE RELEGION JUST CLOSE YOUR MOUTH … I PRAY FOR ALL OF YOU GUYS & ASK GOD TO SEND HIS HOLY SPIRIT UPON ALL OF US..TO TOUCH OUR HEART & ENLIGHTEN OUR MINDS & ASK GOD TO HELP US ALL TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER..TO ACCEPT ONE ANOTHER & TO UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER & TO FORGIVE ONE ANOTHER FOR WE ALL CHILDREN OF GOD..OUR LORD JESUS DIED & SUFFER FOR ALL OF US..FOR OUR SALVATION..BE PATIENCE TO ONE ANOTHER & WAIT FOR THE COMING OF OUR LORD JESUS..WE HOPE THAT WE ALL GO WITH HIM IN HIS HEAVENLY KINGDOM
FUN-NY. Thanks for the laugh.
Speaking of funny…Ablem’s post is comical. Could the flying monkey’s have been Catholic and the wicked witch the Pope? The movie itself is kind of symbolic in that regard. The people of Oz was only trying to break free from a form of theocracy…
I demand that you stop linking me, Satan, with this Santa person! First of all, I dress much, much better! A red and white suit, please! Second, this fat man keeps hollering “Ho Ho Ho.” Totally not like me at all. No, I’d rather cast my evil spells in a much sinister way. And lastly, I DO NOT travel with reindeer! Horrors! Goats and malevolent sheep are the way to travel.
Now get your story straight and stop bothering me. I have hate and greed to spread and having to stop every 20 minutes and set you soil dwellers straight is getting old! Now get out there and spread some mayhem!
Wow. Some can of worms - huh? For the record, I saw the humor. Aaand it also made me think about putting up my dukes here and there as well.
Humor can be an effective way of delivering a strong point. I very much enjoy a good laugh that ends with a good lesson that I received well. But at the cost of such chaos, (discord among brothers in Christ?) maybe I humbly submit the thought that this angle was a bit too pricey. Just my thought.
But, I’m nobody and my opinion doesn’t matter.
Ephesians 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Thanks for your clarifying comment. I hope people read it and don’t let the sun go down on their anger!! (Aaaand, just to clarify, that was meant to be funny, and sadly… true.)
Ummm … wow …
For the record, I didn’t actually burn all of my Christmas decorations, and I don’t even own a shotgun, much less a .410, so I didn’t buy any more ammunition for it. (Is a .410 even the right weapon for hunting reindeer?)
I’m glad I don’t live in any of these people’s worlds. The ones in which every word is serious and probably offensive. Wow …
Jimmy Buffet was right… If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane…
What’s wrong with everyday people? Has all the humor dried up? That’s a shame… To me, the flying mammals and gnome infestation was funny…
To those who took the post serious, beware of the traveling gnome as you too may face an infestation in your town!
samhain if that’s how you feel that ablem post was comical so be it ..it’s your own understanding..is it comical that JESUS suffer & died for you? that he love’s you so much to die on the crosss? is that comical for you? stop mocking our catholic faith..if you don’t have anything nice to say just close your mouth & don’t say anything at all.. it’s good for you..try it & pratice it..it’s not hard to do…GOD CARES FOR YOU & DIE FOR YOU.
Yeah, this is a good time for sure! Is there a Halloween sequel in your archive? That would bring out the obsessives too!
So I think a plan is called for. Maybe some kind of Humor Reformation. Or maybe the ‘holy laughter’ revival movement is the answer. Can we start a new denomination that requires its members to have a life?
#70 Satan wrote:
“And lastly, I DO NOT travel with reindeer! Horrors! Goats and malevolent sheep are the way to travel.”
Those must be the bovines from the movie Black Sheep. Didn’t I see Satan had a screen writing credit?
I see that this is a spoof piece, but did you know that over here in jolly ole England, the London Dungeon have this press release -
… the London Dungeon will be spreading ill-will amongst all men in an alternative ‘Satan’s grotto’, from 13th to 26th December.
Elves impaled on spikes and robins roasting over an open fire will greet visitors to the Tooley Street attraction, whilst Santa gently boils in a witch’s cauldron.
Only the naughtiest of children can perch on the knee of the sprawling red-cloaked prince of darkness before confessing their secret desires … but beware wishes often come true!
So maybe you’re being prophetic!!!
Yeah, I have to say that I teach my children that Christmas is all about Jesus, not commericalism and I love my kids for the fact that they agree and are always willing to receive few gifts in honour of Jesus. I always tells them that it’s HIS birthday, not theirs. They get spoiled on THEIR birthday instead.
As for me, I detest receiving presents at Christmas and make sure I tell anyone who insists on doing so that I have the greatest gift I could ever have hoped for, my redmeption through the Saviour and so do they. Boy, you should see the look on some Christian’s faces, lol.
Great article, funny but thought provoking.
A ton of coal this year!
John Shore are you insane or just desperate for attention. And all you other hypocrites who criticize the giving at Christmas. There are the obvious abuses of commercialization but lets face it, articles like this one are the pendulum swing. And you people who despise anyone giving you gifts! Don’t deprive people of the blessing they receive when they give, freely.
God bless Father Christmas, St. Nicholas, Santa Clause and Mr. Scrooge!
Um. Okay, so a priest, a rabbi and a pastor walk into a bar …
that was pathetic. santa isn’t really satan. that was you trying to find something negative that has something to do with magic. NEWSFLASH!!!!! santa clause is based on saint nicholas, a really nice saint who defended the doctrine of the Trinity. need i say more? yes, i agree that people have lost the true meaning of christmas, but you don’t need to make up any lies to get people away from santa clause. just tell them how pathetic the stories are anyways. Geeze.
The thought passed through my head once that Satan and Santa were one and the same… thought I was being a little too prudish… nice to hear that someone else sees it that way. Merry Christmas Everyone!
Are you people out of your minds? Saint Nick was a Christian and a very devout believer. Santa Claus is a fun tradition and only an idiot would worship Santa. Not once growing up did Santa Claus distract me from the true meaning of Christmas.
Whatever! This is ridiculous and if those of you who have such a hangup with Santa Claus because he distracts you from Jesus Christ, then either go to another Church or read your Bible more, because your faith is pretty pathetic.
Since you obviously don’t know, Santa means holy and satan means adversary. You should take the time to understand the actual words rather than make up wierd stuff to replace the actual meaning because words really do mean things, hence, in the beginning was the Word and the Word was made flesh. Further, St. Nicholas gave the gift of a bag of gold, anonymously, so that a very poor widower could marry off his daughter instead of resorting to prostituting her as he was considering in his desperation. St. Nicholas then repeated the holy gesture for her two younger sisters. Because of St. Nicholas three young women were able to marry instead of live a life of prostitution. Yes, St. Nicholas was a very holy man indeed, a true santa. Just because today people have taken the practice of gift giving beyond the example of St. Nicholas doesn’t justify you’re characture of a very good and holy man. It is the secularization of the current civilization you should be railing against instead. This is simply intellectual dishonesty and you should be ashamed.
to gnome me, is to love me.
Don’t hate. Appreciate.
And, climb up here on my knee and tell me what you want in exchange for your soul? I mean… for Christmas… nuuuuhhhHHhahhaahahhaha (that was my best evil laugh)….
I mean.. ho ho HO!
Ok, Shore…. This was one rockingly funny piece, if I don’t say so myself!!!! Anybody who doesn’t get it as satire/humor is about as bright as a thirty watt bulb!!!!!!
I loved the flighting monkey bit… I was glad to see I wasn’t the only one who was scared of those things as a kid! I’m meeeeelt-ing! Ooooo, she got hers, didn’t she????!!!! Wonder what would happen if we did the same thing to Santa/Satan???? (Guess it all depends on how cold it is when we do it, huh??? ) LOL
Thanks for the laugh!!!!
[...] comments are funny too (especially those who missed the humor in the initial post). You can read it here. Thabnks Wickle… not only did you give me a great peice to read, but you also introduced me [...]
There is one major problem about this article. The origin or Santa Claus is St. Nicholas, who was a bishop.The word Santa means saint. He was known for helping the needy during Christmas and would anonymously drop gifts of money, food or whatever was needed, down the chimneys of these needy families.
Santa is not bad or evil, consumerism is the perpetrator of the problem. People have made that their god instead of Jesus.
Though this article was written in jest, it has been accepted as a chance for unthinking people to make negative and unnecessary comments on it.
I totally thought that it was funny! I had a little chuckle going the whole time. Well, there were a couple HMMMMMM moments as well. So thanks for sharing, I like your sense of humor with the truth in it. Thanks for Sharing your thoughts. LSWalker
Apparently you are a new force for evil in the universe, John.
It has begun…come to the dark side!!!
Mwahahahahahaha!
Morse, after this comment thread, I’m coming over too.
Wow, John this whole thing is great!
What a cleaver object lesson you have here to show us, in real time, the issues us good folks in the church have in truly loving other people! How did you ever get all these people to play along? It must have taken you weeks and hundreds of spam mail to plan this!
Wow, just… thank you for all your hard work! I’m finally starting to understand why my dad won’t come to church! And may I say thank you to everyone here who helped to really drive that point home!
John, you should consider writing a witty and truthful commentary about this post and all its comments! Oh, wait… you did!
http://johnshore.wordpress.com/im-ok-endorsements/
Here’s wishing peace and goodwill to all men!!!
(Awe heck, while we’re at it, peace and goodwill to you too Santa… OOPS, I mean Satan! Oh, wait. *Yells off to the side* “Honey, do we wish him goodwill?”
Shoot. Now I’m all confused. Wait, I know! Someone surely has an opinion on that! How’s about they just leave a comment here and help me “grow in my understanding” by judging me! Yeah! That’s it! Judge me, judge me!
Oh, go ahead… type it. You’re already thinking it. Aren’t you?
John, I just had a thought. The last time you had such passionate comments…and anywhere near this number of comments…was back when the friendly “Christian/atheist” discussions turned into “He does exist! No he doesn’t! Yes he does, and you’re dumb! No he doesn’t and YOU’RE dumb!”
Now, it’s “Santa is Satan! No he isn’t! Yes he is, and secular Christmas is evil! No he isn’t, just relax! Hey it was supposed to be funny! I’m not amused, this blog sucks! [etc]”
…which leaves me no choice but to conclude that, in the throes of passionate discussion of one’s beliefs, Santa is as important as God.
Awww, SNAP! No! I did not just say that!!
Hmmm. Let’s see … my last posting that generated mondo comments and so on was … “Six Tests To Determine If He’s Mr. Right” (Nov. 12) and “Men. Don’t. Change” on Nov. 7. And while (if I recall) those generated some truly obnoxious rage-a-thons, you’re right: this one seems to be … oddly combustive.
Well, I think one thing is clear, anyway. It’s unlikely that Santa Claus really is the devil. I don’t think any of us have to think about it too long at all until we realize that Satan is, in fact, the Easter Bunny.
You know, actually, I’ve enjoyed the comments here as much as I ever have for any posting. The nice, thoughtful, funny, intelligent ones have been just SOOO good.
I happen to think that Santa is the same as Satan. And the Easter Bunny too.
As they all don’t exist, they are all the same.
Now bring on the war! Mwahahahaha!
(Maybe that will take some of the heat off you, John.
)
Excellent!
John, you’re still evil, but not as much as Morse.
Morse–yes they all DO exist, and you’re dumb!
I’m sorry. I can’t respond. I’m busy eating babies, and later this afternoon I’ll be sacrificing a goat to Lord Xenu.
Now, if anyone takes THAT seriously, things will really start getting ridiculous.
Dude…that’s HILARIOUS. I actually laughed out loud.
I concuer with number 97. They are BOTH the devil… reincarnated of course. Oh, wait, wrong religion…
John,
Can we move on now? Let’s have a new post to discuss - this one’s used up! And how ’bout we lighten the conversation - maybe talk about hymns vs. choruses. Well, on second thought . . .
I actually DID put up a new post about two hours ago…. Yay.
That’ll teach YOU to mess with Kris Kringle…that’ll teach YOU!
Kris Kringle? Or KING LE RRISK?? Or … KINKER GIRLS???
Okay, that’s enough.
John,
Very fun tongue-in-cheek piece with a good bit to reflect on as we each gear up in our own way for the season. Growing up in an evangelical christian tradition there was little emphasis on Advent at all. We just cut to the chase and spent a full month on one mega-Christmas-a-thon. For the past few years I’ve been in a ELCA congregation that follows the church calendar and as a result I’ve found a slowing down to Christmas and time for spiritual reflection in the season of Advent that wasn’t there for me previously and for that I’m grateful.
For the record I can handle all the Santa brewhaha but if I ever again see a figurine, poster or card with Santa kneeling before the Baby Jesus I’m going to break into a rash, bleed from the ears, and have a Claus coronary.
Ya know what’s sad? I was looking for a Santa pic… and found many “Satan/Santa” pics. THen did a search for the heck of it, and was amazed at how many people out there DO seem to manke this connection. Who knew??? No wonder this thread was so hot.
Check it out:
http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=satan+santa
the Bible says the traditions of man make the word of God of no effect. And our holiday traditions are a huge part of that. What thinking seeker wouldn’t look at the use of fertility symbols (eggs and bunnies) to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection and turn away in disgust?
the same goes for Christmas. in this age of new information - like the printing press put the Bible in the hands of everyday people, the internet is putting historical truths at our fingertips.
anyhew, it’s for you to decide (obviously), but in the meantime, here are some links that have good info:
http://www.salvationbygrace.org/default.aspx
http://www.av1611.org/othpubls/santa.html
(this guy uses angry tone throughout, but if you can get past that, he has some interesting research – a lot of it confirmed in the Wikipedia entry below)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_claus
blessings to you my brothers and sisters!
Anita: I HAVE a little statue thing of Santa kneeling before Jesus. It’s on top of one of our speakers, even as I type. Cat bought it a long time ago–way before we were Christian–because I liked it. So if you came over to our house, I’d have to HIDE it, because I hate it when someone bleeds on our couch.
ELCA. I love it. I love the whole liturgical way of worshipping. Evengelicals who sort of ignore the Christian calendar really miss out, I think. I just wrote a whole thing for this book I’m writing about the church calendar and all that. Anyway, I’m a huge fan.
Samantha: Yeah, who knew?? Crazy. My evangelical-type friends have told me, “Where have you been? The whole subject of Santa is HUGE with Christians! How could you not know that?” So I’m making new friends. I don’t need that kind of attitude. No, but … who knew?
Joan: Thanks for the links. Which I haven’t opened. But I’m sure are great. Or not. I really don’t know. So I really have no idea why I’m actually typing right now at all. But thanks for writing/caring!!